Why do I have to feel bad? You’ve always planted in my mind of how useless am I as a child. How ungrateful or how stupid. I still remember the times where I would save up every little penny from school and end up giving them back to you. Cause I knew I didn’t need anything more than your care and love and that little actions would make you feel I was a better child. I wasn’t competing among my siblings, I was competing myself, that one fine day you ll pat my back and say ‘Well done, Jess’. But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I was never good enough. I cut to bleed, to feel physical pain and mostly to grab your attention. Not for you to notice me but for you to just, stop saying those words. Stop and just leave me alone.
There are so much more for me to pour. But I just can’t seem to write anymore. I just wanted to release it out that it hurts and I want to break apart everytime the replay button hits. And all I have to do is to stay and look strong out front.